


i love(d) you

by ultomorrow



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 08:44:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19787347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultomorrow/pseuds/ultomorrow
Summary: It was renjun’s best kept secret, a secret shared only with one person, jaemin, This is where renjun begins to question everything.





	i love(d) you

**Author's Note:**

> So this is written the way my brain could form, i tried to make it as personal as i could so im sorry if you can't understand or follow along. I hope you enjoy and please read the ending note :)

Renjun has know for as long as he can remember, back before he even knew what it was like to “be gay” that he like boys, but he also liked girls, but it was a secret Renjun only ever kpept to himself, and never said a word about, he went about every precauction to make sure no one ever found out, and thats how he liked it, because the bitter truth was, Renjun wasn’t sure if he wanted to come out ever and to him that was perfectly okay.

When Jaemin came into Renjun’s life, he wanted to be out, all he could ever want was to hold his hand in public, and show him, his undying love for him, the only problem is, Jaemin is 14 hours away from Renjun.

Jaemin was perfect to Renjun, he was funny, and smart, and he had a smile that renjun loved so much, Jaemin’s eyes are kind and caring, and Jaemin listens to Renjun’s every word no matter what the subject. For the first time Renjun felt love in a way that he didn’t get from friends, not even his best friend Jeno, and maybe that's why Renjun kept holding on even though Renjun knew that as time passed he found himself questioning their relationship, was Renjun in love with Jaemin or was he in love with Love.

It was once the best kept relationship. Only Jaemin’s best friend donghyuck knew about the relationship, and everytime Renjun and Jaemin would facetime with him around, Donghyuck would confess his love for renjun and often wondered how Jaemin got Renjun. Jaemin sent renjun a birthday present, and they watched moomin through facetime for hours, each “i love you” was filled with warmth and longing, and renjun was happy. But something deep inside Renjun got upset about how much time Jaemin spent with Donghyuck, Jaemin started leaving Renjun upset, and ignoring his texts. Soon Renjun’s annoyance turned to hate, he hated how everyday Jaemin sent a picture of himself t renjun with no context, renjun hated the pet name Jaemin gave him, even though he once found it cute, he hated Jaemin’s taste in music and silently cursed whenever Jaemin sent a spotify link while they were on Facetime. Jaemin’s jokes began to become unfunny to Renjun, and the hours long facetime calls began to feel like a waste of renjun’s time. But still, renjun couldn’t hurt Jaemin. He could never hurt Jaemin.

Renjun knew he couldn’t keep up his act forever he needed someone to talk to, and he wanted to talk to jeno, he wanted nothing but to tell Jeno everything that's happening, and ask him what to do. But Renjun didn’t have the confidence to do it, and he had to keep it all. Until, he couldn’t anymore.

Renjun and Jeno were taking a trip, and all day renjun wouldn't think about how to say it, he thought of a funny way to say it but he didn’t want to sound like he was being an asshole, he tried a serious way and though it was too formal, and once again renjun decided to hold it in, because he just wasn’t ready.

That night, Jeno and Renjun walked around the city and talked about everything and nothing at all they sat in a park and looked on at the open city, and in that moment, renjun caved, he cried, calm at first, then sobs, Jeno said nothing just held renjun and let him cry, even though nothing had hurt more than seeing his best friend so defenseless. That’s when Renjun told Jeno, he told jeno about his sexuality, he told jeno about Jaemin, he told him how he felt about Jaemin and he cried some more, but renjun was relieved that he let that out to someone.

Jeno would never bullshit renjun, jeno only told renjun what he needed to hear and that was most simply “walk away from it” and that's what he was gonna do. After the walk back to the hotel, renjun typed jaemin a note:

  
"Jaemin,  
My first love.  
I know what im about to say will hurt you, but I ask that you read until the end, you don’t have to respond, you don’t have to say a word to me ever again, but please with the love that is full in your heart to read until the end,

I am not in anyway perfect and i understand that i showed that often, often times it had to have been a burden on you, to my insecurities, to my fear of coming out, it’s stopping me from giving you what you need. It’s foolish, I know. I can’t keep putting us in this area where im just taking and taking and never giving back to you. I need to work on me, i can’t love you when i can’t figure myself out, at this point, I don't even know what love is. I thought my problems would be solved because i was in love and someone loved me back, and they weren’t.

I know this will hurt your heart, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do, I never wanted you to feel like you didn’t do enough, I’m so sorry. I am sorry I couldn't get over myself, im sorry im hurting you. I loved you. I will always love you. But i can’t keep on like this, so im letting you go. I hope that we can one day comeback to this maybe as friends maybe a lovers, but until that time. Good bye.”

Renjun had tears running down his face as he shut off his phone screen after hitting send. He knew this would hurt jaemin, but he knew that he could never be what Jaemin needed. Renjun heard the text tone, but didn’t look instead, he slept. Probably the best he had in months.

**Author's Note:**

> in the end, renjun and jaemin become nothing more than friends, and renjun starts to learn himself more.  
> if you are ever in a relationship where you aren't happy end it, its okay to hurt afterwards, that normal. I hope this story helps you or encourages you to start to take care of yourself and love yourself no matter the means


End file.
